I need help. Someone who understand this craziness that runs through my mind constantly.
6 years ago I met this guy in my Spanish class. I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. We met and hit it off pretty well, exchanged numbers, started talking etc. We talked all year long, hung out and everything. He always told me he didn’t want a girlfriend at the time because he was going away to college. I totally understood that at the time. Sure I was bummed, but I understood. I never told him how much I liked him, feelings were mutual but were never really brought up. Anways, he graduated and went off to beach week where we talked all week long till the end of the week…he texts me and says he has found a girl he really likes and wants to try things out with her…..I was completely heart broken. I was so hurt. But, what could I do. We were never in a relationship…..
They started dating and ended up being together for 3 years. Each time they had a falling out or argument, he would always come back to me and tell me things like I miss you and things like that. I always gave in. Everytime. See the thing is with him, I have never had a guy make me feel as sexy as he makes me. Anything he wanted from me….he got. No hesitation. I wanted to make him feel good, I wanted him to see me as this girl who wanted him more than anyone. I’d do anything for him…
Anyways, one summer about 3 years ago now, he had broken up with his girlfriend for the time being and I saw him for the first time since he graduated highschool like 2 years ago. It was instant chemistry between us. Its like we picked up right where we left off. We hooked up obviously and it was great. I ended up telling him how felt for him via facebook. Took him a bit to respond but in the end I got rejected. So the only thing to do is move on right? Wrong. 2 years later I get a message from him once again saying how he missed me and thought about me more than I thought and all this other bull shit. I fell right back into it. All that work that I put in to get over him just flew out the window. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t going to be this booty call anymore to him and how much I liked him but that didn’t seem to really matter. He fed me things I wanted to hear, took him a bit to come around to the idea but I finally managed to get him to agree to let me come see him. (this was summer 2013 to be exact) I made the 2 and a half our drive to see him. I’ve always put him up on this high pedestal. Dreaming of him and thinking of him as “the one” I mean this feeling I feel in my gut for him is so strong, stronger than I’ve felt for ANYONE. All the other guys I have been able to get over, but this guy….I just cant. I really feel like he is the one I’m meant to be with….I went up there and it was amazing. We loved each others company a lot. He even apologized for putting me through the things he has put me through. He was digging it, I was digging it. At the time I thought, “finally, this is my chance. He is going to be with me and everything is going to be perfect.” After visiting him everything was cool, we were talking again….couple months later, he tells me he found someone else and once again wants to try things with this girl and he has been with her ever since.
I know this story kind of hops around but god damnit I do NOT know what to do. I can go through periods of time without thinking of him but somehow he seems to keep making an appearance in my life somehow. I feel like im going crazy, my relationships fail because of him. Im so wrapped up in this thought of him..of us. I just want to know why I cant have him. Why he just would never give me the chance. I just want the closure to move on from this. If he really isn’t the one….I just want to know. I’m so consumed by the thought of all this that I really feel like I am sick in the head. AM THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY!??!!?? I need help. What do I do??
The Tree of Yoga (P. 46)